The Secret to Enjoying the Broadcast: Preparedness

Okay, volunteers. Time to get serious. It's fun to schmooze with Manny, but we're here to do public service. You're going to have to sit through Fox's 1/2 Hour News Hour, so here are some tips on surviving the broadcast.

First you need to stay awake. You want to have to tell your liberal pals you slept through a timely boffo riff on the Mayaguez Incident? No way. Uncle Jerry has it covered. I found a place where you can get pure caffeine in buckets for $274 a kilo. Click the link. It's not cheap, but charity isn't charity unless it hurts. Before you sit down to watch, stir a handful into your Diet Coke or just put it between two slices of bread and make a sandwich.

I guess I should have told you earlier in the week. Maybe they FedEx.

Second, I know you're tough lacrosse-playing Republican kids and you can take a punch. But you haven't seen this show. You feel cocky now, but when borrowed Whitewater joke number ten or twelve hits you in the puss, you may involuntarily reach for the remote, run down the street screaming, or ask your schwartzer chauffeur to DRIVE you down the street screaming. The answer? Restraints. Here's a link to a nice velcro set on Amazon. Spartacus brand. No lie.

I think you run a chain through the D-rings. Not sure. I'm too old for kinky sex. If my vertical leap was as high as my PSA score, I'd be in the NBA.

Ask Joely Surnow how to work the restraints. He knows kink. He has a soul patch. I dunno what it means. My motto is "Don't ask, don't kvetch." Manny is an attractive guy with swarthy Mediterranean features. They're both single. None of my business.

Third...say it with me..."vomiting." A concern. Am I right? Joel and Manny and Ned and Sandy are STARS, and I mean them no disrespect. But they're still just Republicans. Differently humorously abled. Their special brand of short bus humor may give you a pain in the pupik.

Here's a link to where you can buy sick bags in bulk. Hey...I wonder if they could put the show's logo on them. "Conservative comedy is my BAG."

I still got it. I can't believe they threw me off the set of Sheriff Lobo.

Finally, if you're especially sensitive to bad humor, don't be ashamed. These days adult diapers are comfortable, capacious, leakproof, and very discreet. Ask Al Franken.

Be strong, kids, and remember: it's funny as long as Rush Limbaugh says it's funny.