PLEASE HELP CONSERVATIVE HUMOR

Hi, people! Jerry "Tera-dittos" Troutman here! Welcome to Half-Hour News Hour Aid!

As you may know, the selfless conservative philanthropist Joel Surnow created a wonderful "humor" show for the Fox News Channel, and it airs on Sunday night! He worked hard for months and months, hiring the very best talent from killer mid-90s yockfests like Politically Incorrect and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and now all that work is going to pay off!

But now my boy Joel needs your help. You see, we conservatives aren't very funny. Our brains are shaped a little weird. Most of the tissue is dedicated to keeping the schwartzers down, working up a great golf swing, hiding income from the IRS, invading countries that never posed any threat to us, and of course, boning Dominican prostitutes while mainlining Viagra.

We're just not funny, kids. We're not brilliant and talented like the liberal comic geniuses Al Franken and John F. "Stuck in Iraq" Kerry. We're not bright enough to make it on our own, so we need dedicated conservatives like you to take the pledge and watch this show.

Even though it's about as funny as a PETA video of minks being electrocuted anally.

Here's what Rush Limbaugh--a blessing on that boy's head--says about our moral obligation to watch nonfunny conservative humor which coincidentally happens to be written by his beer buddies:

The first one airs Sunday night. I'll be talking about it more and more, but the key is it needs an audience -- and I'm going to be blatant here. You know, normally I sit here and tell these things to you and you find these programs or these books or these things I recommend, fine and dandy. But in order for this show to have a chance at success, for these two pilots to be picked up and actually made into a regular series with some substantive production values and so forth, it needs an audience. They need an audience.

Effin' A, Rush. Effin' A, my man. I bet even your farts sound smart. You got some kopf on you for a shaigetz. This show needs an audience, people. No matter how much that audience has to suffer or what types of non-FDA-approved medication we have to inject them with to make them laugh at conservative humor.

Rush isn't the only celebrity helping out. Look what Michael Medved has to say. He's a celebrity. He was on TV. Once.

I was at his bris. The tongue...ehh. Not so good.

It's worth watching, worth supporting, even if the project is very much a work in progress which, along with a few laughs, delivers a few moments of embarrassing, unfunny, ineptitude.

Thumbs up, "Iron" Mike. Thumbs WAY up. Even without Viagra. What Mike is saying is, we KNOW it's not funny. That's not the point. The point is, it was created by a really rich conservative, and we need to make sure he ends up with a hit so Fox doesn't start looking for new talent, i.e. "riff-raff." If a guy can't afford a slip in your yacht club, why the EFF would you watch his effin' TV show?

When I was young, they wouldn't let schmucks like me IN the yacht club, but I say forgive and forget. Life is short.

We're not asking for money, folks. God knows Joely has plenty of that. What we want is your eyeballs, glued to the screen for thirty minutes tomorrow night. Sure there might be something better on. For example a test pattern. But that's not going to help the cause.

Be there on Sunday for us and, well, I guess Joel won't be there for you, because he'll probably be yelling at some Mexican who put the wrong gold-plated faucets in his ninth guest bathroom in Malibu. But he'll appreciate what you did for him, and he and his team will do their best to keep providing you with humor that is really top notch.

As measured by lowered conservative expectations.