The following takes place between fictional consenting adults. Also between 6:00 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. on FOX:
JACK BAUER: Who are you working for?
COMEDY WRITER: I told you--I'm a comedy writer for The Half-Hour News Hour.
JACK BAUER: Don't lie to me! I need to know who you're working for!
COMEDY WRITER: I'm not lying--I'm not even joking.
JACK BAUER: I'll say. Okay--if you're a comedy writer, say something funny.
COMEDY WRITER: ...uhhh...gay penguins!
JACK BAUER: [produces Taser] *ZZZZAP*
COMEDY WRITER: Owww! Why'd you do that?
JACK BAUER: I said '"funny." Gay penguins aren't funny. Besides, it's been done to death.
COMEDY WRITER: Okay, okay. Funny...let's see...Marion Barry!
JACK BAUER: That guy who writes for the Miami Herald? Okay--he's funny.
COMEDY WRITER: No, not Dave Barry--Marion Barry, former DC mayor.
JACK BAUER: *ZZZZZZAP*
COMEDY WRITER: OWWW!!!--Stop--that hurts!
JACK BAUER: Chuck Berry is funnier than Marion Barry. I'm going to ask you again--who do you work for?
COMEDY WRITER: I told you already.
JACK BAUER: *BLAM* [shoots comedy writer in leg] Al Franken sent you, didn't he?
COMEDY WRITER: OWWWW!!!!! I... I....I don't know Al Franken...
JACK BAUER: Yeah; that's what Lorne Michaels says, too. Did you kill David Palmer?
COMEDY WRITER: Who is 'David Palmer'?
JACK BAUER: He was the president of the United States and my friend...until he started doing those All State commercials. (stabs comedy writer in shoulder)
COMEDY WRITER: YEOWWWW!!!! stop...you're killing me...I didn't kill David Palmer, and I don't know Al Franken...I write jokes for Surnow...
JACK BAUER: I've worked for Surnow for six years...have you ever heard me tell a joke? [squeezing comedy writer's ridiculous ponytail-with-Male-Pattern-Baldness in a vise]
COMEDY WRITER: ...It's...true...it's true...
JACK BAUER: What's "true"? That you're a double-secret-probation agent sent by that sucking Black Hole of Comedy Al Franken to undermine conservative humor for generations yet unborn?
COMEDY WRITER: No...it's...true...dying easy...comedy hard. [comedy writer slumps over in chair]
JACK BAUER: [opens cell phone] Chloe, this is Jack. I need you to reposition the satellite.
CHLOE: Why, Jack?
JACK BAUER: I don't have time to explain now, but rogue comedic elements within the government led by the evil Deputy Under-Over-Rated Ambassador to the Place where Comedy Goes To Die--Al Franken--are using the satellite to spy on the joke-writing sessions around Michael Richards's pool. These jokes are then fed to FOX in order to discredit conservative humor. We've got to stop them or someday, people will actually think Bill Maher was a Comedy Giant. I tremble for my country.
CHLOE: I thought you said you didn't have time to explain.
JACK BAUER: Everybody's a comedian. Can you reposition the satellite, Chloe?
CHLOE: It's too late, Jack--they've already uploaded a Monica Lewinsky joke!
JACK BAUER: Get out of there now, Chloe, before the Comedy Suckitude gets to you, too!
CHLOE: It's too late, Jack...I'm starting to think of Keith Olbermann as witty!
JACK BAUER: NOOOOOOO!!!
Stay tuned for scenes from next week's show:
JACK BAUER: Who do you work for? I need to know who you work for!
CHEVY CHASE: 'Work'?--I haven't worked in years!
Mr. Bauer, just returned from China under Wal-Mart's 30-Day Return Policy, is a fictional government employee--"fictional" because he works nights, weekends and federal holidays. According to the Times, he knows all our government's secrets and can be found at 1234 Elm Street. Mr. Bauer lives in what's left of Los Angeles with his two adopted children from Chad and Cameroon, named "Chad" and "Cameroon".
1 comment:
that was sweet!
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